maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
