Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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