The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
