Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
