By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
