I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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