As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
