All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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