my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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