I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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