I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
