I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
