You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
