I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
