my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
