at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
