Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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