I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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