And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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