me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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