oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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