I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
