I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
