I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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