I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
