For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
wow bdsm is so cute
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
