My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
