I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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