You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
