Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
