her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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