I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
