I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
