everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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