I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
