Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
