I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
