i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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