I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
