Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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