i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you had me at cake vodka
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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