Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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