Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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