my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
