i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
