I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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