I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
