"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
