just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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