I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
