dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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