glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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