I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
