i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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