I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.