Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?