I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
