also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
