he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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