You just made me feel so damn special
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
