life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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