If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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