come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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