i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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